


Smothering Skin

by chasingthebooty



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Triggers, Work In Progress, explicit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 14:15:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14771231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingthebooty/pseuds/chasingthebooty
Summary: Eren has an eating disorder. Levi suspects that something's wrong.





	Smothering Skin

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm back.. hopefully. :-) This is a work in progress, so if I continue it, I'll upload the parts as I write them. I usually like to finish the whole story before uploading, but this time is different because I want motivation to get back into the groove of writing. This story is inspired by recent events in my life: and yes, it has a similar concept to my other story, A Walking Travesty. I wrote that story when I was 14, so I'm hoping that I can make this story even better. It's sort of a way for me to vent. I hope you enjoy. :-)

       There were only two options: to starve and be beautiful, or to eat and be ugly.

       Or, at least was such to Eren. He could only see two possible outcomes every day that he woke up. From the moment that his eyes would open, he’d think of food, and when the cravings pulled him out of bed, he’d turn into the bathroom and instead weigh himself to remind himself of why he shouldn’t eat.

       Every day, he hurt. He’d hurt whether he ate or not: if he didn’t eat, his stomach would feel as though it were eating itself. If he did eat, his mind would punish him, telling himself he’s worthless and pathetic. He’d cry himself to sleep regardless, trying to nap away the pain. Water was his best friend, and he’d drink bottle after bottle to try to apease his unruly stomach.

       That is, water was his  _ second  _ best friend. His true best friend, he loved to no end, but he knew that the love he felt was far too strong on his end. He loved relentlessly, a love that his friend could never reciprocate. When Eren wasn’t focused entirely on trying not to eat, his mind would wander to Levi, and he’d beat himself up even more because he knew his love was futile. He’d simply fallen for the wrong man, and to be quite frank, Eren’s pretty sure he was the only one who viewed them as being best friends. Levi was a bit of a loner, and he’d never admit it if he truly saw Eren as a friend. Sometimes, Eren would worry that he was merely an annoyance to Levi, but he’d be pulled back in to loving him by small little actions that Levi would do. It would be a cold day outside, and Levi would give him his jacket, after, of course, calling Eren a  _ fucking idiot.  _ Sometimes, Levi made Eren cry: but Eren would never let him see that sort of weakness in him. Eren wanted to be strong. Eren wanted to be seen as independent, as someone who absolutely  _ didn’t  _ need Levi by his side to feel welcomed in the world.

       But Levi didn’t see the side of Eren that Eren hid, anyways. Eren, in his bathroom, weighing himself repeatedly, hoping the number on the scale would drop. Or Eren, lying in his bed, one hand wrapped around his throat, hoping to distract himself from the constant pain in his gut. Or even the Eren that would punish himself for eating by jogging until he’d nearly faint, his sister having to come to the door to carry him to bed (and, subsequently, call him a  _ fucking idiot  _ in a tone so akin to his love. Eren would sometimes wonder if that’s what love was: petty insults and constant pain with occasional reminders that he was cared for). 

       He didn’t want to seem ungrateful for anything, so Eren was constantly working to show his love. For Levi, he’d make gifts all the time: Levi loved the color green, so Eren was constantly making little green prizes to give him, whether it be cards or candies or drawings (but he’d never claim that his gifts were pretty, or even valuable). For his sister, Mikasa, his caretaker, he’d make her dinner all the time, even if Eren would never dare to eat it himself. His saving grace was that Mikasa came home late from school, so he could lie and say he’d already eaten.

       He felt bad for lying so often. But he felt worse for having to subject her to his ugly face and emotional outbursts all the time. To Levi, Eren tried to remain cool and collected, but as a result, his sister Mikasa would see his moody side. It was almost as if he had two personalities, a different face to show to different people.

       He sat, then, across from Mikasa, her eyes staring him down almost angrily as Eren hesitantly picked up a spoon and shoved it into a pile of the rice he’d made her for dinner.

       “We don’t waste food around here, Eren,” she’d said, but they both knew that wasn’t quite true. They wasted food all the time, honestly.

       “I’m not hungry, though,” he’d replied, a bit agitated at the prospect of ruining his diet with one meal.

       “I don’t care,” Mikasa said. “Eat.”

       He didn’t understand why she was doing this to him. Why force him to eat? Mikasa had no idea that Eren hadn’t eaten anything for the past three days. Did she? 

       No, she couldn’t have. Perhaps she was just being moody. And weird. She had a motherly instinct to her that perhaps she let take control for the moment.

       Eren, wanting to please her, bit into his spoon of rice and chewed as if it were his first time ever chewing. It was good - he’d made her a dish of rice with sauce, one of her favorites. But swallowing, all he could think of was the  _ calories, oh god, the calories, how many calories?  _

       “Eren,” she said, standing up from the table, seemingly satisfied with his one bite. “Don’t forget to shower tonight. And brush your teeth. And-”

       “I know,  _ mom,”  _ he sneered, his frustration growing as he felt the food go down to his stomach. Why did he eat it? He should’ve come up with a better excuse.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid-  _

       “I’m not happy with you, Eren.”

       “And why not?”

       “Your grades are slipping. I got a call from one of your teachers today. Failing school isn’t an option.”

       “I know.”

       “Then fix whatever’s gotten into you. I don’t want to see you ruin your future.”

       Eren didn’t reply to that. He just watched as Mikasa headed outside, possibly to get some fresh air as she often liked to do. As soon as she was gone, however, Eren rushed to the trash can in the kitchen, threw the food away, and did what he could to try to throw up what he’d ingested. He wasn’t sure if he’d gotten it all out, but he vomited stomach acid up until he heard the front door open again. He sprayed air freshener quickly and went to the front of the house to wish her a good night.

       Did Mikasa, then, only want Eren to eat because she suspected his grades were dropping because of a lack of nutrition? Eren didn't know. But Eren hoped so, because that was his best option.

       Because Eren had many secrets that even his own family couldn’t know. Eren had secrets that he might panic if he thought Levi had even an idea of. There were parts of his life that simply could not be exposed, and so, he split himself into parts. The side for Mikasa, the side for Levi, and the side for himself. Together, they all made Eren: but individually, they showed a happy side and a dying side. Because Eren knew he was killing himself, but there was no way to stop. He couldn’t stop. All he could do was starve.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is inspired by "Sleepwalking" by Bring Me the Horizon.


End file.
